The first time we met in person we both traveled to Vegas to consummate the heated conversations being enjoyed, and sometimes endured, over the ethers of the internet. Somehow I did not notice it then, perhaps the smells of the casinos, the rich food along with the convergence of nerves and passion dulled my senses. That weekend was like nothing I had experienced because I had never fallen in love over electronic media before; in fact I had until then I scoffed at such notions. In the excitement to please me, she had purchased a harness and a dildo or two - things she had never bothered with before. The toys were nice but her being unable to keep her hands off of me was much more compelling than fabric and silicone, though they were nice. The entire weekend there was a hum running through my body, like the buzzing of fluorescent lights - annoying, compelling, and a bit scary. During our time together I had this sense that all was an illusion, that she would disappear after creating all this emotion in me, that somehow I would be left bereft.
Six weeks later she came to California where we caroused around the hotel room like drunken college students who had just discovered they could have sex without sneaking around. And that's where it hit me, every time we kissed (which was frequently and with wild abandon) her mouth tasted like death in mine. I thought perhaps it was because she smoked cigarettes, a flaw I had decided to overlook. But I had kissed other smokers and not had the taste of mortality rolling around my tongue.
As I said I don't know when I stopped smelling it, or if something changed in her. What I do know is that I reflected on that memory our entire relationship and what it could have meant. Given the hells I descended into during our time together, it was hard not to see it as foreshadowing. Being with her ended my other long term relationship because in time I realized that there were irreconcilable issues in it and though I was tempted to end both, I chose to pursue the new relationship. Being with her I drifted into dire poverty which resulted in a move to a red state where I never had any desire to live.
In the end, leaving her was my phoenix moment, rising from the ashes of constriction, isolation, and reuniting with myself. Somewhere that death scent became the pathway of my rebirth.
