Friday, September 28, 2012


I was really, really, really, craving sex earlier today. While I was driving this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks.

No idea what brought it on, other than it's been a bit of time, though really not all that long. Perhaps it was the rainy weather, I find that type of rain, especially in the fall, to be seductive, leading to cravings of time in bed with someone. It feels a bit different than a rainy day in the spring, maybe it's the slant of light, or the color of the trees just turning at the edges of their frame. The drive for time in bed with someone has a different vibration, more serious, a heavier quality - not somber but less gleeful nonetheless.

While reflecting on this I started to think about sex in general in my life. Mostly I thought of how I have never gone for very long without time with a lover, whether a lover for the night, the month, or year. In the last 20 years, as I recollect I have not gone with sex with another person for more than a few months, maybe six? Mostly I think this is good, perhaps excellent but sometimes I wonder about those people who conscious choose to go without partnered sex (or even perhaps solo!) for a period of time. Is there something I could gain from such an exercise? What would it be? Is it something I could really use? There have been many other times when I have wondered this but I could never find a way to argue myself into making this decision. It could be that like some of us are really good at math, and others are amazing artist, some of us are destined to learn their lessons with periods of celibacy and then there people like me.

For better or worse the craving was submerged since there was nothing I could do about it for at least several hours and truthfully, I really prefer my sexual activity to be with someone. Here again I wonder if there is something I am missing by not treating myself like my own lover, could I learn even more ways to make myself orgasm? Really? It seems like there are quite a few already. I am fairly familiar with my nooks and crannies. Though I am well endowed there is no way I could ever begin to tend to my nipples with my mouth the way that I most crave. I already know how I like them licked, teased, sucked, and nibbled on, the only thing that perhaps I could do more is instruct with greater detail and encourage to my partners. I do not need to further woo myself to learn those things.

Isn't terrible the way we think there is always something else we should be doing rather enjoying what we know and love. Judging ourselves for being different from someone else's ideal which has nothing to do with how we live and thrive. Rather sad and a waste of energy. Perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn from these musing - I know myself well, I do not need withdraw from sexual activities to become more in tune with myself or a better lover to myself and others. What I want to do is just simply have sex more, continue exploring, letting go even more, unshackle any remaining negative message that run around in my brain for the things I like, things I want, or the fantasies I have. Is one ever truly free of that? Betty Dodson or Tristan Taormino maybe? I suspect even they, in quiet moments deep inside still have questions, still have to push out other voices in their heads.

In the meantime I will wait until I am home again, in the sanctity of my little apartment to indulge in some release and mark off the days until I can ravage my beloved.