Cherished

The word that comes to mind the most, now that I have spent years considering the draw of the “daddy/girl” dynamic, is cherished. It is the thing I most missed with my biological father, with both my parents really. Other women who talk with great affection about their fathers seem to give off this energy that their fathers’ really cared for them, about them, were happy to be their father. It is that encompassing, emotional, psychological cloak that acts as a sword, as a veil, as the soothing hug always available as one moves through life that I miss.

For years, decades now, the sexual nature of father/daughter fantasies have been present, have worked to turn me on, I’ve acted out variations of seductions in my head, with a partner, reference it using words to evoke some deep-seated erotic space in my head. Written stories of this theme have been a guarantee to taking me over the edge during one handed reading.

Quite a while ago I acted out scenarios for the first time with a lover. Initially it was great fun, very sexy. One in particular - a daughter of somewhat indeterminate age (a recurring theme but in my head I (she) am mid-late teen who had never met her father until now and was very attracted to him, and I seduced my “father”. Sometimes it was the reverse as both have a powerful resonance for me. Soon after, the relationship disintegrated into an abusive relationship where in the last three years we had sex three times. This was also a time when I had my first and only flashbacks of apparent sexual abuse – perhaps by my father but everything was unclear. This lover used all of this against me and would literally and figuratively poke at me about me being messed up because “your father fucked you” (I have no memories of any such thing and still don’t know if he ever touched me physically but he certainly psychologically molested me and was inappropriate.) She went from being playful and thoughtful about my desires and experiences to mocking and cruel. I suppose it’s no wonder I never really went to any great lengths to really enact any of these fantasies for so long.

Later, with my next partner I eventually whispered the word “Daddy” at the height of passion. It was not rebuffed but actual serious role play was not her strong suit. Well that’s not totally true but it was of a different nature, the daddy stuff wasn’t as much of a draw for her. We had lots of fun and saying things like “come for me daddy” did work. But what I realized over time, mostly unconsciously with hindsight being nearly perfect, is that the reason I didn’t go deeper with her is because she could only wear what I was looking for and not inhabit it. We played with it more and said a lot of the right words but something was missing.

In the time before and during my relationship with her, I spent time looking at this dynamic on the web and struggling with my thinking about all it. There were people who talked about it in this other way, one that was more about being taken care of –something I resist and crave. As I said, I always knew the sexual piece, it was the rest that I hadn’t put together – the deeper, less sexual nature of daddy/girl was what I really wanted and needed to resolve.

I spent years making peace with acting out my possible abuse at my father’s knee or another male’s hand using fantasies whether in my head, in a book, or whispering the words. It was my way of reclaiming what happened (no matter what plane it existed on); I think this is why both sides, me as the seduced or as the seducer have so much power for me.

This new concept of being someone’s beloved baby girl was much scarier for me ultimately than wanting to act out incest. I resisted even as I read peons to this relationship. The threads on butch-femme.com about “orphaned little girls” do not resonate for me, I felt no affinity for these women. People who do deep age play clearly were looking for something different, maybe it’s a more visceral recreation, reenactment of what they miss or craved in their childhood. So many possible things but I still wasn’t finding anyone who really named what I wanted.

Ultimately I realized I craved cherishing, the sense of being taken care of – something my childhood lacked, in so many ways. This idea is in total opposition to my fierce desire of taking care of me, of not needing someone in that way in my life. I am the caretaker, how could I want someone to do that for me? So as I moved slowly and half unconsciously to this self knowledge, I also knew there was no way my last partner could do any of that, even as she claimed she had been, could be a “daddy”.

Why I associate all of this with a father and not a mother is hard to say and I’m not sure it matters much except that as a person who identifies as a lesbian who primarily pairs with women who at least look if not gender id as butch, it all seems to match up for me. It’s nothing I feel drawn to delve into – all the variations of gender expression, sexual identity, societal expectation of parental roles along gender lines, etc, at least not in this essay.

Working through months of trying not to leave my partner and knowing I had to, I think this subject was one of the things that were brewing to full knowledge at the edges of my brain. In the wily ways of the universe, it has granted me with someone who might be able to do all those things, and more. We are talking about it, playing with terms of endearment that follow that road and it feels very heady. It is an interesting time to have this person drop into my world. This is a time when I decided to be on my own, made a firm decision to not move in with anyone, possibly ever again. A time when I have no firm plans, no true home address. It seems in contradiction that at this amazing time in my journey, when I am carving out a new path and to find someone who might cherish me, care for and about me in this way, regardless of the labels applied that I have clearly desired for a very long time. In either case, I am tentatively dipping my toes into this dynamic, which for convenience I call daddy/girl. So far, and it’s very new for both of us, it feels good, it feels like a piece of the way I have wanted to be treated in an intimate relationship forever. I have no idea if it will heal anything, minimize scars and or fill empty spaces of my life, but I will embrace the positives of it and keep an eye out for the negatives.